Back at it again
I finally finished page one of my HAED Hummingbird. Like Maryann8121 I have been taking care of issues with my parents. I made my mom go into inpatient rehab for two weeks so she could regain strength and have no demands on her i.e. my father. He thinks he is an invalid (which he is not) and must be waited on hand and foot. They live 60 miles away, but when you start making that trip multiple times a week it gets hard on you. I have found an independent living facility near me where I think my mother will be happy. My father wants to only sit in darken house in his underwear. I had him here with me for about 3 weeks and it was pure hell. I had to move all of my stitching stuff because he was sitting in that area and would keep bringing fluids there. No I do not like my father very much at all, but I love my mom dearly and want her final years to be good. At 91 she is very active and social. If anyone has idea's how to deal with a hypochondriac, self centered demanding elderly, I would love your suggestions.
Posted by: mdstudey on 05/20/19
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Golly, I hope my kids don't think of me that way! Probably inevitable, though?...but I hope they don't begrudge me a little space...but more than likely, I will wear clothes. 😊
You have to remember with parents...they still think of themselves as the parent...you are the kid. If you remember the pecking order, it becomes simpler. 😊
They still want choices, they do NOT want to be bossed/pushed around, do require an occasional sincere smile, a choice about surroundings...they might not be demanding so much as bluntly telling what they need! The way they were raised and where and how, matters to their present. What they expect can be modified with some straightforward, loving conversation...hopefully. If you expect help with his laundry, set him up basket, etc.and explain what you need him to do, be willing to make concessions...give him his choices of his comforts. And don't treat him like an inconvenient visitor. I was raised that I would rather burst into flames next to a Red Sox fan, than be thought inhospitable...even to unpleasant family. I wish you well. 😊
by: VCESS on 05/20/19
When was the last time your father has seen a doctor for a check-up? Will he willingly go for an β€˜annual’ check-up?
by: Bermuda on 05/20/19
He goes to the doctor all of the time. They say his mind is sharp and no health issues other than his heart and diabetes. That's what makes this so frustrating. The reason I made my mom go to rehab wasn't due to being mean, it was to get her strong and healthy again. Everytime she gets sick, then he has to go to the hospital (the ER sends him home). He then lays around refuses to ANYTHING for himself. Then the cycle begins again and my mom gets so run down she gets sick.

I know it must seem I am being extremely harsh, but he was pretty much a non existent father to his kids and when he was around he was physically and mentally abusive to his kids and wife. Very sad.
by: mdstudey on 05/21/19
I hope you didn't take my comments as my thinking you harsh. I assure you that this one has family issues that would curl your hair! And I definitely support the "vacation* for your mother!
The only thing you can change is your approach to the situation. Changing your dad at this stage would put you in the "miracle" classification. Talking, unfortunately, is the only means to make those changes. Don't expect him to listen and immediately become anything new...pick your time when he's most receptive. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat, but not with the same words. And listen, listen, listen with new ears! The way you and kin are handling things isn't working, try a new approach. Use whatever he says to remind him of changes to try.
Don't underestimate heart and diabetes as non-issues. The damage is not necessarily apparent and he sounds fearful to me. Anybody suggested depression medication? Made a big difference in my family!
You aren't alone. Parenting parents is HARD! Honesty didnt help me...being devious did. 😊

by: VCESS on 05/21/19
OK so I work in a nursing home, rehab unit. I see this all the time. Your mom needs to be in a separate place if you want her to stay healthy. It may mean getting them into an assisted living facility in different quarters. We often when transferring from rehab to long term care put couples in different rooms on the same unit so they can visit, dine together and spend time together but can get away too. Sometimes we place them on different floors. Staff can easily intervene when one parent is taxing on the other. Now in rehab when we have a patient who won't do for themselves, we stop waiting on them. One of two things happens, either they get independent or they get angry. The angry ones we get psych consults for. It sounds like maybe your Dad needs some mental health help, probably always has needed it from what you described. Have you personally spoken to his doctor about your concerns, without parents present? Often if you call prior to the appointment and request to speak to the doc before hand, via the phone, they will and may be able to help or at least attempt to address some concerns during the visit. Are you his guardian or is he his own? If you are not guardian, the doctor may not be able to discuss things with you but he/she can certainly listen to your concerns and guide you to the next step for more resources. It's where I would start. Good luck. Its not easy, I know.
by: noah on 05/21/19
The other suggestion I have, is see if his doctor will place him somewhere for respite care. Meaning he is there temporarily while your mom recuperates cause there is no one to take care of him...make yourself unavailable. Its ok. While he is in there, the nursing staff will see the issues and can help from there. A lot of places have social workers with good resources. On my rehab unit we take respite patients all the time, see and treat conditions or help families get assistance or placement.
by: noah on 05/21/19
If I'm in assisted living and they quit assisting, better call the psych unit NOW! 😊
by: VCESS on 05/21/19
Noah, "respite care" sounds wonderful! Where do I sign up?
by: VCESS on 05/21/19
Vcess, big difference between sure I'll help you put your shoes on and why can't you feed yourself today? You did yesterday...
by: noah on 05/21/19
It's one thing if you really can't, another of you're just plain lazy.
by: noah on 05/21/19