Am I selfish??
Over the last year I been by my DH's side through his cancer and recently his stroke and heart attack. I've gone with him to his appointments at the hospital and visited after his surgery while trying to keep his business going and working at my part time job to keep the money coming in (the bills don't stop coming in). Now he tells me he has an appointment on Monday at the super clinic and expects me to be there. It just so happens the horse sale I always go to in an attempt to buy me a new trotting race horse is on Monday and I had planned to go there. Do I tell him I am going to the sale or do I go with him to the super clinic?? I know where I would rather be. I think I am burning out of support feelings at the moment and need some me time to regain my sanity.
Posted by: deirdre on 02/09/18
I don't think it is selfish to think of yourself and your sanity. It is a very difficult choice. Can he change his appointment? I know you have been through a great deal, but how would you feel if he wasn't around anymore? Do you want to miss time with him? It is hard. I do know how you feel about needing me time. Having taken care of first my father (not for very long before he passed, but intense few months) and for the past 3.5 years my mom since she had a blood infection that weakened her, then a stroke, and last year and this year the surgery to remove skin cancer (nose and back of hand last year, leg this past week) I feel that I spend ALL of my time just taking care of her. Not true, but it does wear on you. When I get impatient with her for whatever reason, I think is it all worth it, but then I think how I would feel if she wasn't around anymore. I know she will be gone soon enough (she's 93.5), so I take a deep breath and carry on. Talk to him about your desires also, so you don't end up resenting him.
by: jmirz on 02/09/18
This is how I see it...
First ask yourself these questions.
- is your DH able to get the appointment without you (maybe someone else can take him)
- is he capable of communicating to the clinic staff without you
- is he capable of understanding what the results of the clinic visit are and is he able to communicate these to you
- is this a "routine" visit or are you going to learn something of major importance?

Once you answer these questions you will know what you need to do.

i personally don't think missing one appointment to do something you enjoy and will undoubtedly restore some of your own good nature is the end of the world.

In my experience, if you don't take care of yourself, both physically and mentally (and that's where this dilemma fits) resentment will creep in and that won't do either of you any good.

Hope this viewpoint helps somewhat!

by: marym on 02/09/18
I agree...explain to him, offer to change the appointment for him...but to me, it depends what the appt is all about. Expecting you to be there is probably closer to needing you there. My heart goes out to you, but there's lots of other horse opportunities... I think you want normalcy more than anything else...not selfish at does he. Nobody can know what is right for you in this...see what's really going on, then make a decision. There is no reason to beat yourself could be he has gotten used to support, liked it, and is a bit nervous about being without it. TALK! :)
by: VCESS on 02/09/18
Definitely not selfish if he is able to get there and back on his own and won't have any issues understanding what the doctors are saying to him.

My husband had surgery a few weeks ago. I am unable to drive a car. We took his car to the hospital on a Wednesday . After speaking with the doctor I spent a couple hours there watching him sleep. Mid-afternoon I took an UBER (taxi) home. Only ten miles. Son and daughter in law were supposed to pick up his car and bring it home. The weather was nasty (ice storm) so we contacted hospital security and made arrangements to leave the car in the parking lot. Thursday the weather was still bad and he said he didn't need company so I stayed home. Very strange having so much time to myself. Doctor told him that he could drive himself home on Friday, so he did!
by: NANCYE G on 02/09/18
deirdre, No....I do not feel that you are being selfish at all. I do think you are being "human". Last year I went through quite a lot with my husband and his heart issues. I think some of what you are feeling is pure tiredness. It is very hard to be living in a state of "emergency preparedness" for a long time and not have it "get to you". I am with Mary and VCESS on this. Answer the questions they have mentioned and talk to your husband. I think we all agree much of this depends on what this visit actually entails. I will keep you in my prayers.
by: jerseycrafter on 02/09/18
My heart goes out to you. My Mom had a neuropathy in her legs that left her in a wheelchair when I was about 9 or 10. It is very hard to take care of someone and find the right balance of "me time". I am with the others, talk to your husband, I'm sure you can work out a solution.

And just as a side note, please don't lose yourself. My Mom passed almost 15 years ago and it took me a long time to turn off the "worry about Mom" in my head and I found myself with a lot of time I didn't have before. It was a big adjustment. Thank God I found cross stitching.

Prayers to your family!
by: tspitz on 02/09/18
No Deidre,
You’re not being selfish. I would sit down with your DH and see if you BOTH can come to a compromise of a sort. Is he going to be at the clinic all day or just a few hours? Can you spend some time with him at the clinic FIRST, then go to the horse sale?
Speak to him about needing a bit of a break from the stress but reassure him that you DO love him. He needs to know he is more important than a horse; men don’t say these things but have a tendency to FEEL things SILENTLY.
I understand he needs ‘emotional’ support but you do too.
by: Bermuda on 02/09/18
Thank you all for help. Unfortunately I don't think I will be going to the sale as he is adamant he wants me with him so I will just have to bite my tongue and bear it. But I won't forget and when he wants to do or go somewhere in the future he might find I am not very co-operative. I appreciate he needs support but I need some also and the possibility of having to have surgery in the near future on my hand does not excite me at all. I will know about that next Tuesday when I see my specialist. Sorry I'm being a little childish and extremely irritable at the same time.
by: deirdre on 02/09/18
Hi Deirdre

I read your reply about how you're going to bite your tongue and go with DH to the appointment. I guess what I would caution you about is allowing resentment to build. If the appointment can not be rescheduled and your company is requested, try to go with a willing attitude and then tell DH you're taking some Me Time. Go away for a staycation and just be unavailable for a while. You need some away time and a refresher so that bad feelings do not develop.
by: claire.burnham on 02/09/18
Pam you have not upset me. I am just venting my frustration over events I can't control. I don't mind going with him it's just that he should be alright going there and I am fast running out of patience. It's always been a feature with him - when he wants to go somewhere it's all go, but when I have something I want to go to every obstacle he can find appears. Oh well go and read the sale catalogue and dream about what might have been.
by: deirdre on 02/11/18